Today I am speechless with the exception of just a few words. Psychiatrists, feel free to regard my personal ad as a cry of help:
Wanted: A loving home for a reusable straw, delicately shaped in the form of a male appendage. Rescued from a hen party. Unused, but could be repurposed as a plant support, nostril cleaner or milkshake stirrer. Available free to the first person who wants it.
When my brain has recovered from working out the number of plastic willies that could be potentially buried in landfill, normal service will resume. Until then, I welcome as many of your recommendations as you dare to suggest for reusing my free gift. Just remember to keep it clean. I blush easily you know.