Yes I know I'm rather gruesome to look at my dears, but be kind, I am getting on a bit. 891 years old this year.
Yes, Delores is the name and Devilish Cleaning's my game.
And I'm making no apologies for gatecrashing. I just had to do something with that dreadful Almost Mrs Average. That domestic tripe has just pushed me too far. So, I fought her for her password, sent her off to landfill with an old boot for company and thought I'd tell you a few home truths.
It may be Halloween, but you can forget the scary ghosts and ghoulies, the real horrors can be found lurking behind that woman's closed doors.
If I went into detail, I'd send you running. Sufficient to say that just one look at her bathrooms (all three of them) was enough to make me wonder what she's been doing these last few months.
As I bundled her into the bin lorry, she bellowed "It was the book", cried "then there was the pasta" and finally gave me the lowest of low excuses "I was waiting to test green cleaning".
With rubbish excuses like that, she deserves to be despatched off with the rest of the trash.
And you should look at her cupboards. Cor blimey, with the space and time dimensions attributable to the Tardis, she's managed to fit the whole cleaning aisle of Sainsbury's under her sink.
Zero waste indeed. If that's not a waste then I don't know what it is.
Well I've got plans for that noxious lady.
Vinegar, lemon and bicarb.
By the time she escapes from the nasty combination of methane and leachate and brushed off the fish bones, she will be so grateful for my actions.
It may not have unblocked her plughole in the shower, but at least it's made her shower head all shiny and her toilets spanking clean.
Do I sound kind...?
I don't think so, I'll turn her bathtime bliss into a fizzing cauldron of vinegar and finish her off with a nice dip!
So I'm afraid it's Bye Bye my dears......I've clearly got a lot more work to do.
And er...Happy Halloween....